


Through The Years

by WantsUnicorns



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-07
Updated: 2012-03-07
Packaged: 2017-11-01 14:55:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/358112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WantsUnicorns/pseuds/WantsUnicorns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Padma sees her for the first time she cannot stop thinking about her. Padma doesn't know her name or even what she is like, all Padma knows is that she feels drawn to her.</p>
<p>Those small seemingly stolen moments change her life forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Through The Years

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my betas and cheerleaders, Curi, Gil, Kiss, Writ and Vlo
> 
> This was my first ever femmeslash and I really enjoyed writing it. Part of this was written on a train while some random gent stared over my shoulder. _awkward_! XD
> 
> The stanza at the beginning of the fic is a direct quote from that brilliant Christmas song “Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas” I was thinking of either the version by Mel Torme or the one by Tori Amos; thank you to my entire f-list for their input on what the bloody hell one does in a coffee shop when waiting for somebody; and on top of everything, there’s a line in this fic I shamelessly stole from that beautiful 2006 adaption of Jane Eyre, staring Toby Stephens and Ruth Wilson, also, that second to last scene was totally inspired by it as well.  
> This was originally written for mini_fest over at LJ
> 
> As the title would suggest, this is a Christmas story. More than you ever wanted to know, but my best friend actually made the cupcakes mentioned in this fic for me, after reading it, for my birthday and they were DIVINE!

_Through the years  
We all will be together,  
If the Fates allow  
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.  
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now. _

 

It took her longer than she had anticipated to find an empty seat in her favourite coffee shop in Diagon Alley. “Top of the Muffin” was always crowded around this time of day, especially shortly after the Christmas holidays when everyone was busy exchanging and returning unwanted Christmas gifts. She herself had returned a bright orange vase which sang rude chanteys, whenever someone came near, that her sister had gifted her. It had probably been revenge for Padma gifting her a talking Oliver Wood doll. Twice. With _accessories._  
Even now she couldn’t hold back a grin as she thought about the look on Parvati’s face as she’d unwrapped the second one. Padma would never understand what Parvati saw in those sporty types; she preferred her partners to actually have more than two brain cells put together. Then again this very preference might have been why she was placed in Ravenclaw and not in Gryffindor like her sister. On top of having a thing for stupid-yet-built guys, Parvati had a talent for falling for emotional fuckwits. If she thought a guy was hot, he was usually a complete tosser. Had Parvati been able to utilise this talent, she probably would have become a very rich woman by now, saving women like her from their inevitable fate of being subjected to emotional fuckwittage.

Padma took a sip from her coffee and barely managed to refrain from moaning aloud as the first tendrils of its bitter flavoured exploded on her tongue. Merlin but she lived for coffee from this place; it was magical, without being magical at all. So the inside of the café was larger than it should have been, the cups never cooled unless you wanted them to, but the coffee itself was still all Muggle and somehow that made it all the better. She carefully put her cup back down and cut off part of her cupcake. Padma let it dissolve slowly on her tongue. The flavour was that of dark chocolate with oranges and then a tinge of chili pepper. The _Towanda_ Cupcake had been her favourite for years and the year they had discontinued it for a while she had almost wept so upset had she been.

Content with listening to the bustle around her, Padma leaned back in her chair and indulged in some people watching, as they rushed by outside. She knew she wouldn’t have to wait long, she never did.

~.o.O.0.O.o.~

Padma still remembered the first time she noticed her. It was not the first time she had seen her, not by a long shot. At Hogwarts you saw everyone, even the people who tried to be invisible.  
The French boy Padma was with after abandoning her partner at the Yule Ball had led her into the gardens. Everything around them was lit by fairy lights and under different circumstances she would have been sure to describe the atmosphere as romantic. The boy pushed her hair back and began kissing her neck as he let his hand wander along her waist and up to her breasts; she hadn’t even bothered to learn his name. She stopped his hand, before it could reach his goal, but he wasn’t easily derailed touching first her belly and thighs, causing her to clamp them together as if her knees were magnetic. She had no idea what she was doing here with this boy she didn’t care about and right then. She started to question the wisdom of giving her consent to go out here with this rather persistent specimen of the male persuasion.

And that’s when Padma had noticed her. Not too far away from them stood a Slytherin girl entwined in a heated embrace with someone much smaller and slimmer than her. She thought it odd that any man would choose a woman twice his size. It was only when the Slytherin girl lifted her companion up and placed her on a pillar so they were on eye level that Padma saw the person the girl had been entwined with so intimately only moments before was another girl. Seeing those big hands hold onto the girl's slender hips, rubbing gentle circles, then tracing upwards, touching her waist and then tangling in the girl’s dark hair to draw her into a kiss made something hot coil deep down in Padma.

Her mouth fell open and it wasn’t in shock; as she watched, the insistent boy kept trying to feel her up. She could almost pretend that it was the big girl running her hands all over her body and once that image had taken hold of her mind, she couldn’t suppress a moan. Encouraged, the boy became more frantic in his ministrations, trying to pull her into a kiss, but she pulled her face away, she needed to be able to see. Everything she was doing and letting the boy do to her was wrong, but at the same time, if she stopped him now, she wouldn’t be able to look at the Slytherin girl.

When the boy forced his hand between her thighs, she couldn’t stand it any longer. She pushed him away, not caring about the sputtering and the angry French words that were thrown at her. Padma’s gaze was still riveted by the couple she had been watching the entire time. They broke apart at the ruckus, the girl on the pedestal looking shocked and ashamed and the girl that had so enchanted Padma flashing Padma a knowing grin and a wink before taking the other girl’s hand, helping her to climb down and then leading her back into the castle.

Padma had no idea what had just happened or how the other girl seemed to have known what had been going on inside her head, she just stood there, staring at the spot where only a moment ago the two girls had stood. When the French boy reached for her again, whispering enticing words into her ear as he pressed himself against her back, she stepped away. This definitely wasn’t what she wanted, she was sure of it. She would have to sit down and think long and hard about what had just happened. When he tried to grab her breasts again, she spun around and slapped him.

“Piss off, will you?” She hissed, the crude words feeling good on her tongue, before stalking back into the castle, heading straight for Ravenclaw tower, not caring about the mess she had left behind.

~.o.O.0.O.o.~

Padma didn’t know it at the time, but that one moment in the charmed gardens of Hogwarts had changed everything. What she had found out about herself in that moment had explained so much and to this day she couldn’t find it in herself to regret anything about it. Her cupcake had been finished a while ago and she was still waiting. Time seemed to pass slower than was possible according to the natural order of things but waiting did that to everyone. She got out the most recent copy of _The Quibbler_ she had purchased earlier and began to read.

Dean Thomas was opening his own art gallery after New Year’s and had been interviewed by Luna Lovegood. Padma skipped most of the questions relating to Wrackspurts and Nargles, whether they were real or not didn’t matter to her. Lovegood had never been mean to her, only once patted her arm and said “don’t worry, you are not alone!” in a dreamy voice and then wandered off, her radish earrings dangling wildly from side to side with every step. At the time Padma had not known what it meant, however the meaning had become clearer much later. Sometimes Padma wondered whether the creatures Lovegood claimed to see were in fact real, because she seemed to be able to perceive things about people before they themselves even knew of them.

~.o.O.0.O.o.~

The next time Padma saw the girl for any longer amount of time was in the hospital wing. The entire school must have been through it that winter with Dragon Pox being the culprit and finally it was her turn. She was upset, because she’d studied so hard for her exams and now she was too sick to take them. Padma didn’t receive many visitors, she’d never been very outgoing and was fine with that. The last real adventure she’d allowed herself had forced her to hide from the advances of a boy until finally he’d found some other prey weeks later.

No, adventures weren’t her thing, she decided as she lay under the white crisp sheets. She could hear Madame Pomfrey bustling around in the background, and was actually happy to be left forgotten. Her fever had gone down significantly and while she was allowed to receive visitors. Parvati had shown up that morning, but Padma could tell that it was more out of a sense of obligation than anything else. The fact that she had brought Lavender Brown and the two of them had constantly talked about some insignificant stuff that Padma couldn’t even pretend to care about told her that much.

Tranquillity washed over her and Padma smiled as she looked up at the ceiling high above her. There was nothing to it, she decided, she would have to stay here until she was well again and while she was away from the bustle in Ravenclaw Tower, she might as well enjoy it. She didn’t know who else was on the ward with her, but since she was one of the last to fall ill, there weren’t many people left. Her bed was curtained off on both sides, which meant unless something happened, she probably wouldn’t find out until the other occupants or she herself were released.

For once, the sky was clear outside and warm rays of winter sun fell into her pillow. She smiled as she relished the warmth. Her peace was disturbed when the occupant of the bed beside her started coughing in a way that sounded like choking. Madame Pomfrey’s steps could be heard as she hurried over to the bed.

“There you go, dear,” Padma heard her say and then all was quiet again. The illness had tired her and she felt herself drifting off to sleep, when the doors to the hospital wing flew open with a bang. Madame Pomfrey must have got startled, because she dropped something on the other side of the curtain. She never went back to clean it up, but instead hurried over to the student that was just being carried in. Padma became curious, if Madame Pomfrey neglected to keep her hospital wing clean, something must have been the matter. She raised herself up on her elbows and tried make out what was going on.

A Hufflepuff, according to the house colours displayed in his uniform, was rushed by the small square of the hospital wing she was able to survey from her position. His face was covered in soot and part of uniform was charred. The boy’s hands looked terribly raw and red and the stench of burned skin and hair almost made her gag. _Probably double potions_ , a cynical voice commented at the back of her head, surprising her. She was supposed to be the nice, smart quiet girl and yet. Padma didn’t feel guilty; yes of course it was terrible that the boy had got hurt, but if they’d simply offer a special class with less volatile potions for Hufflepuffs accidents like this wouldn’t happen.  
Where was all of this house prejudice suddenly coming from, she wondered. She never used to be like this. If Padma was honest with herself, she knew exactly where it came from. She had figured out that the girl she had watched in the garden that night, which now seemed so long ago, had been with a Hufflepuff girl. She was jealous, she realised. Padma had thought about what she had witnessed very often, she had even fantasised about being on the receiving end of those hot kisses. Just thinking about it now made her have to suppress a whimper.

The memory usually assaulted her during the most inopportune moments and it was then that she was glad she was a girl, because her arousal was much more private and usually only showed in a light blush tainting her cheeks. The same blush she felt heating her features now. If anyone saw her, they would probably put it down to her fever.

Padma was startled out of her reverie when the curtain beside her bed was suddenly roughly pulled aside.

“Sorry, my dear. I hope it’s all right if Miss Bulstrode stays in here with you for a bit.” Madame Pomfrey said. It was her, Padma realised. The girl, Madame Pomfrey was pushing into her curtained off area was the same girl she had just fantasised about. For a minute her throat closed in terror.

“I… no… yeah, it’s all right. I don’t mind.” She finally managed to say.

“That’s the spirit. Thank you, dear! Will you two be all right, or do you need anything else?”

“Uhm… no, I don’t think so. Thank you, Madame Pomfrey.” Padma replied, still not daring to look over at the sleeping girl in the bed next to hers. Miss Bulstrode was close enough for Padma to touch, she realised. How tempting it was to just reach over terrified her.

Madame Pomfrey nodded at her once more before closing the curtain again. The sounds coming from the other side suggested that they were setting up a bed for the Hufflepuff boy. Padma slid deeper under her covers, pulling them up to her chin and holding them there tightly, like a frightened child would. She stared at the ceiling again, all her tranquillity shattered and her heart racing. Her focus narrowed on her immediate surroundings. The only things she could hear were the frantic beating in her chest and the slow calm breaths coming from the other occupant of the small space. Padma thought about lying on her side and watching the other girl, but when she attempted to do so, the girl shifted and Padma became too terrified to move.

Padma let her mind wander, recalling other times she had seen the Slytherin girl around. Wherever she went people seemed to scowl at her or fear her, but the girl didn’t even seem to notice. Miss Bulstrode as Madame Pomfrey had called her, walked through Hogwarts with a confidence that girls like Padma could only admire, but never achieve. Bulstrode was a large girl, with strong shoulders and arms and somehow it was exactly that and her confidence that drew Padma in. The girl knew exactly who she was and what she wanted or at least left the impression that she did and if that wasn’t the hottest thing Padma had ever seen, she didn’t know what was.

Clenching the sheets between her sheets and keeping her eyes shut while pretending to be asleep wasn’t working and the fact that Padma’s imagination chose to conjure up images of the girl next to her in the soft light of the castle gardens, how her hands had cupped and caressed that Hufflepuff girl’s breasts and how their lips had slid hotly against each other. This wasn’t happening, it couldn’t be! It was only her body flooding her brain with oxytocins and it shouldn’t influence her like it did. She was a rational creature, in control of her environment, but for some reason the rules didn’t apply to the girl, which had so recently invaded her fantasies and dreams.

She must have dosed off without noticing because the next time Padma woke, the soft light of the bedside lamp shone into her face. Even in her sleep her body had betrayed her feelings and had turned towards the girl that now constantly occupied her mind. Padma knew the girl was awake, but she didn’t dare open her eyes. When she could bear it no longer, Padma pretended to slowly wake up, fluttering her eyelids and with each flutter getting a better look at the girl calmly sitting and reading in the bed next to hers.

The girl wasn’t beautiful, not in a conventional sense, but the way she moved, every slow motion of the hand as she turned a page, now overlain with the memories of that night in the garden, made her seem graceful. The girl’s fingers were long and straight, holding on to the book almost tenderly. Her hair was almost as dark as her own and to Padma’s utter surprise the girl was wearing glasses. Padma couldn’t seem to look her fill, she knew the longer she stared the higher the risk of being caught, but to see the girl so unguarded, her features softened by the light of the lamp, it was a sight Padma couldn’t resist. There was something about her, some inner strength that Padma was lacking, and she felt herself drawn to it like a moth to the flame.

Just like a moth isn’t aware of the peril that lurks, Padma noticed too late that she had been caught staring. The other girl was looking at her, eyeing her down the bridge of her nose, over the rim of her book as if to say “what the hell are you looking at?” Padma found herself turning bright red, which only got worse when the girl inclined her head slightly towards her and raised an eyebrow. Padma got the message and mumbling an apology turned away, her back now to the light. Padma stared at the shadow the girl cast onto the curtain. It took longer than she had anticipated before the girl took up her book again and continued reading. A tiny part of her hoped that the girl had been looking at her, studying her, just like Padma had studied her earlier.

Padma didn’t know why this girl got under her skin the way she did, but there was no denying it. She should be able to be rational about it, but no amount of thinking could slow the pace of her racing heart. It was harder to fall asleep this time; Padma didn’t dare move in fear of drawing attention to herself again. After what seemed like an eternity the lamp was turned off. Padma slowly turned onto her back, staring out the brighter squares of windows that were filled with what seemed like all the stars in the universe. She knew this wasn’t true, but again, rational thought and her heart’s perception of reality were two different things. She longed to reach over and hold the girl’s hand and look at the stars with her. While Padma didn’t dare to even look at the girl again, she could pretend. So she lay there imagining what the girl’s hand would feel like in hers, what they would talk about and laugh about as they made up their own constellations. It was only when the moon moved into her field of vision that reality intruded on her thoughts.

Would the girl like that, she wondered? Would she want to do something so whimsical and of so little consequence? What Padma had seen of her indicated that the girl she was projecting all her longing on was as down to earth as she was and wasn’t interested in this kind of romantic shmoop and still she couldn’t help herself. In her fantasies, the girl smiled at her, not only that cheeky possessive smile Padma had seen her bestow upon her girlfriend, but rather a dreamy loving one that the rational part of her brain referred to as “sickly sweet”. Padma wasn’t kidding herself, the part of her that got her sorted into Ravenclaw wasn’t in control any longer, it hadn’t truly been, since she had really noticed the Slytherin girl for the first time and most importantly, the girl had noticed her.

No matter where Padma saw her, tried to observe the girl out of the shadows without drawing attention to herself, the girl would always find her, look back at her, as if challenging her. Challenging her to do what, Padma didn’t even dare imagine.  
What was wrong with her? She didn’t even know Miss Bulstrode’s given name and she was already fantasising about what a relationship with her would be like. Trying to figure out why she had such an influence over Padma, she turned her head to look at the girl and found her looking right back. There was no mirth reflected in those eyes and Padma was glad of it. What it felt like to hold the other girl’s gaze defied definition. It wasn’t frightening or strange, it just was. She hesitantly moved her hand towards the girl, underneath her covers until she held tightly to the metal frame on that side of her bed. Padma already knew she wouldn’t dare to reach out, but when the girl’s gaze flickered down quickly to her hand and then back to her face, Padma knew she hadn’t done wrong. The sound of the girl extending her own hand and clinging to the metal was like music in her ears. While the darkness separating the two of them seemed vast, she knew that in reality it was close enough to make her shiver in anticipation. Padma fell asleep still holding onto the railing, pretending she was holding the girl’s hand instead.

*****************

“But Millie, you promised!” A voice whined, waking Padma. She felt groggy and warm.

“Oh be quiet, Bridget! You are getting on my nerves!” This was the first time Padma was close enough to really hear the girl’s voice. It was darker than she had anticipated, but still nice and the sound of it let shivers run down her spine. Her name was Millie. Millie, she repeated inside her head, it was oddly fitting Padma thought, although ironically more to the fairy-tale version of the girl that she had come up with rather than with what she had actually seen of her. Padma wondered whether Millie was short for something, maybe Mildred or Milena Bulstrode, which of course would be much more fitting and less romantic. Padma found, she didn’t mind the sound of “Millie” at all. Padma tried to stay still to be able to listen in on more of their conversation, but something about her must have changed, maybe it was her breathing that gave her away, because the next thing she heard wasn’t what she wanted to hear at all.

“Now you’ve gone and woken her up with all your whining. And bloody well stop pouting, Bridget. I don’t give a fuck about that pout of yours, no matter how cute you may think it is.” Millie sounded really annoyed, even to Padma’s ears.

Despite her better judgement Padma slowly turned over, only to see the girl called Bridget brush her pouty lips against Millie’s. She could barely hear the whispered “Oh, but you love it.” Before she pressed her eyes shut. Padma couldn’t do this, not again. Padma turned her head away, cursing and welcoming the glaring brightness of a new day at the same time. Tears of jealous rage burned beneath her eyelids. The last thing she needed was to start crying now, because of something she so desperately wanted but could never have.

Last night must have been a dream, just a foolish cruel dream. She bunched her hands to fists and forced herself to calm down. The sound of kissing was still too loud in the room and when it finally stopped she couldn’t help but release a sigh of relief.

“What’s her problem?” Bridget asked, clearly talking about Padma.

“I imagine the same one I’m having. Namely, you, my darling! You are infuriatingly annoying.”

“That’s never stopped you before.” Bridget said chuckling. 

The wet sound of kissing returned, but was quickly interrupted when slapping sound of slippers on stone quickly closed in on their small room. Padma could hear Bridget being shoved off the bed and then what could only be a smack to her backside.

“Now be off with you, cheeky minx! I’ll help you with your Herbology homework later. I think they’re going to release me later today. See you in the common room and save me some of that dessert, you know the one.”

Bridget walked out of the confined space and left nothing but awkward silence between Padma and Millie behind that seemed to stretch on forever. Padma felt like hugging Madame Pomfrey when she finally showed up and gave both of them their potions. She took their temperature and told them both to rest. Millie picked up her book again and Padma pretended to sleep. She was angry. Angry at herself, angry at Millie, furious at Bridget, or whatever that bitch’s name was, because she had what Padma so desperately craved. How they could both be so confident, so open about something so private she would never understand. This thing sparked by the moment Padma had had with Millie the night before, that had let her get her hopes up was letting her down. What she had just witnessed, and the fact that she couldn’t even make herself speak to Millie made sure that whatever “this” might have one day become was all over before it had even begun.

During the day Padma began feeling more and more exhausted and if she was any judge of it, her temperature continued to rise. She couldn’t tell whether it was another dream brought on by a fever, but once she could have sworn felt the cold brush of a hand against her forehead, another one holding her hand. “Shhh, it’ll be okay. I promise,” a voice said and as quickly as they had come, the hands were gone.

It took two days for the fever to break and by then both the Hufflepuff boy in the next compartment and Millie had been released. It was back to tranquillity for Padma and if she had been less rational, she would have listened to her heart and called it loneliness.

~.o.O.0.O.o.~

Padma ordered another drink, after casting a quick _Tempus_. Millie was late. Her girlfriend wasn’t usually late, something must have come up. Padma wasn’t worried, not really. Prejudices and hatred still ran hot sometimes, but Millie could absolutely take care of herself. She shifted in her chair, crossing her legs and turning slightly so she could see the door to the shop more clearly. When her coffee arrived she carefully blew on it, inhaling the tendrils of steam carrying the delicious dark and bitter flavour she so adored. Padma dropped a spoonful of sugar into it, stirring it carefully. The swirl of the coffee after Padma removed the spoon was hypnotic. _The Quibbler_ lay forgotten beside her and it was a while before she took it up again to continue reading.

The article on Dean Thomas was followed by an in depth discussion of the new edition of _Hogwarts": A History_ , partially rewritten to include the most recent destruction and rebuilding attempts after You-Know-Who’s demise. It had caused quite a bit of controversy, because in her attempt to re-integrate Slytherin house after the war, Hermione Granger had edited part of the older book as well. She had chosen to show that not all dark wizards came from Slytherin, that typecasting and lack of inter-house unity had been to blame for most of the things that went wrong. Padma thought it sounded like Granger was trying to make peace with her past, work through some of the issues that had arisen after the war was over. Setting history straight wasn’t Padma’s way to make amends for chances missed. She lived every day in a manner that was akin to a miniature peace process in the making and she loved every minute of it. It hadn’t always been that straightforward to her, but then, things involving matters of the heart never were, no matter how much she tried to rationalise them. The heart wanted what the heart wanted, there was nothing else to it.

~.o.O.0.O.o.~

Padma was scared. Being in Hogwarts under Headmistress Dolores Umbridge was like nothing she had experienced before. While her and her sister didn’t really have that much in common, she was glad Parvati had asked her to be part of Dumbledore’s Army. This at least meant that she now knew how to defend herself and how to cast a Patronus should she need help. The worst part about this entire year though was having to sneak back to Ravenclaw Tower in the middle of the night after practise. Not only did she have to avoid school prefects, Peeves and Mr. Filch, she also had to take care to avoid Headmistress Umbridge’s by now notorious Inquisitorial Squad. Padma had seen the scars on the back of the hands of those that had been caught doing things now outlawed by the new headmistress and she had no intention of joining their ranks.

She tread carefully, straining her ears as she walked along the corridor. She would make it, she decided; she was almost there. All was quiet when she turned the last corner and then erupted into chaos as the entire Inquisitorial Squad went for her. She took to her heels, running as fast as they would carry her, but was tripped almost right away by a hex shot at her. She twisted her ankle when she fell and it hurt like hell. She wouldn’t cry in front of them, she promised herself, but when they gathered around her, laughing and kicking, she couldn’t hold back the tears. She didn’t even hear what they were saying; she only curled up in a ball.

This was not what Padma had been practising for. She had been practising not to be a victim but to defend herself and yet here she was. She raised her head to see why the kicking and shouting had stopped; the way she knew these people, this couldn’t mean anything good. Her gaze fell immediately on the face that haunted most of her dreams. Millie. She stood there, laughing and sneering with the others and somehow the fact that Padma felt like she knew her made it all the more terrifying. Padma pressed her eyes shut in a vain attempt to block out the image. She was pulled to her feet by strong hands and then held stills in a grip so tight she was unable to break free.

“Well, well, what have we here, a little know-it-all out after curfew? Don’t you know it’s dangerous for Little Red Riding Hood to be out in the forest by herself?” Those hands held Padma in a way that she really didn’t like. It reminded her of that boy in the garden. As those hands wandered lower, she got really scared and began struggling. She knew it was useless but she wouldn’t give in, not to this, never to this.

“Greg, you fucking wanker, go and get your Muggle blow up doll, it’s not like you would know what to do with her anyway!” Millie! It was Millie! Padma’s eyes flew open and she stared at the girl who had just come to her rescue.

“Oh right, and you do know? I suppose she’s just your type, isn’t she?”

Nobody was more startled than Padma when Millie’s fist connected with Gregory Goyle’s jaw, felling him instantly. His arms grew limp around her and still he dragged her to the floor with him. She scrambled away from him, shuddering at the sight he made, his hair sprawled over the floor, a thick bruise immediately beginning to blossom on his chin and his eyes rolled back in his head so only the whites showed through the half opened lids. Padma tried to get up and run away, but she was caught by the back of her robes and pulled back into the circle of sneering faces. Millie was looking down at her. Padma had never noticed just how tall she was until now. When Millie spoke, she didn’t look at Padma, but rather at everyone else.

“Now, I’m going to take this one and teach her a lesson about sneaking around after curfew. Any questions?”

When there was no reply, Padma was dragged away. Millie walked so fast that Padma had trouble keeping up and would have fallen more than once if Millie’s grip on her robes hadn’t been so strong. They eventually stopped outside of an empty abandoned classroom and Millie surprised Padma again by making quick work of the door and pushing her inside. Padma stumbled and clung to an old overturned desk to pull herself upright. She didn’t know what to expect. And she was too afraid to turn around and face Millie.

Millie’s strong hands heavily settled on her shoulders and slowly turned her around. Padma’s heart was racing as she let herself be walked backwards, her gaze cast down submissively, until her back connected with cold rough stones of the classroom wall. She didn’t know what would happen, she wanted to look up and see into Millie’s eyes, find out what she had planned for her, but fear had its fist tightly wrapped around her heart and like a frightened animal, she started trembling. She couldn’t even raise her eyes and Padma was ashamed that all she could do was let things happen to her. She was weak and she hated it. Tears of rage and humiliation sprang from her eyes and ran down her cheeks.

Millie pulled her chin up, forcing Padma to meet her gaze. Padma thought she knew what was coming and closed her eyes in defeat. She couldn’t bear it. When warm hands cradled her face, both thumbs gently stroking her cheeks, she thought she must be dreaming again. Just the ghost of a kiss brushed against her lips. Padma almost cried out with months of suppressed love. She had trouble getting air into her lungs and her heart beat away in her chest as if it was trying to escape its cage. As if her reaction had been the answer to an unasked question, those wonderful lips were back, kissing her for all she was worth. She gasped and sobbed as she let Millie kiss her and when Millie’s tongue traced her lower lip she opened up obediently, allowing her to plunder her mouth at will.

Padma couldn’t remember when she had wrapped her arms around Millie and pulled her close, but they were flush against each other, both panting into each other’s mouths and it was perfect. Padma pressed her face into the cradle of Millie’s neck, just inhaling her scent and holding her close. Millie was holding her tightly, gently stroking her neck and whispering into the crown of her head.

“I know you’ve been watching me, Patil, ever since that time you caught me and Bridget in the garden. I knew you were watching me. Did you know I was watching you then too? Did you know I’ve been watching you since?” Padma had never heard Millie’s voice sound that soft and seductive and she had paid attention to pretty much everything Millie did these days. This voice washed over her and made her shiver. She could feel her nipples tighten at the sound of it.

Millie let go of her and held her at arm’s length when Padma tried to move in again. Millie looked at her and she had never felt this exposed and vulnerable in front of anyone before.

“What…?”

“Be quiet, Patil!” Usually Padma would have taken offence at the town of voice she was spoken to but there was something dark in it, something powerful and she couldn’t help but obey.

“Why have you been watching me? Is it because you want me to do this to you?” With that she leaned in and kissed Padma roughly on the lips once more, moving immediately away again when Padma tried to lean in and deepen the kiss, her entire being screaming yes.

“Or is it because you saw me do this?” Millie came closer again and ran her hands up Padma’s thighs and waist. Padma shivered under her ministrations and couldn’t help the quiet moan that escaped her.

“I still think there’s more about it. I don’t think it’s only the things you want me to do to you, is it?” Millie said. She was right, but Padma couldn’t find the words. Her body moved forward of her own accord and Millie chuckled darkly.

“I thought so.”

This time, when she came close, she stayed. She ran her fingers along Padma’s neck, causing goose bumps to rise on her skin. He hands were shaking as she reached for Millie, unbelieving of her own bravery as they found Millie’s waist and tucked her closer, beginning to roam over her back and hip. Millie finally brought their lips back together. She was in charge. Padma didn’t mind. She didn’t mind how terrifying it was to feel herself spin so completely out of control. Padma didn’t even mind the small embarrassing noises she couldn’t seem to stop herself from making.

Much too soon, Millie pulled away. She allowed Padma’s hands to rest on her waist, but held her index and middle finger against Padma’s lips when she tried to object.

“I don’t kiss and tell and from what I know of you Patil, neither do you.”

Millie stepped back from her and Padma felt instantly cold. What would happen to her now? She didn’t know. Millie took her hand and pulled Padma off the wall and flush against her, her arm was slung around Padma’s middle. She leaned in and Padma could smell her breath as Millie whispered against her lips. “Now let’s get you back to your common room, alright?”

Before Padma could reply, Millie had pulled her out of the classroom and into the corridor they had taken earlier, She let Millie lead the way. Even though she was more confused than she had ever been in her entire life, Padma had no trouble keeping up this time. It was as if her feet were so eager to carry her closer to the girl in front of her that they would have taken her any distance in the entire universe to get there.

In front of the Ravenclaw Tower, Millie kissed her once more, not tenderly, like she had at first, but hot and possessive. Millie leaned forward and Padma could hear her inhaling deeply. “You smell absolutely divine Patil, did you know that?” She asked and then she was gone.  
Padma’s fingers brushed against her own lips as if trying to feel Millie’s still on them and her whispered. “Don’t call me Patil.” Went unheard.

~.o.O.0.O.o.~

“Excuse me, is that seat taken?” A woman from a few tables over that had been eying her for a while asked, before pointing at the chair next to Padma.

“I’m sorry, but I’m waiting for someone.” Padma said. The woman in front of her was beautiful. While she was in a stable relationship that had everything she wanted, she was still able to appreciate beauty if she found it. Padma was happy, utterly, sickeningly, overwhelmingly happy with Millie. Some days she still wondered why Millie had chosen her, why she was so incredibly lucky, but she’d long ago learned that happiness couldn’t be explained or rationalised, it could only be felt and appreciated. Even questioning it hadn’t made it go away.

Padma was so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she didn’t even notice that the woman had slumped into the seat in front of her. She must have been talking for quite a while and misinterpreted Padma’s dreamy look as interest instead of what it was.

“So, as I was saying, my friends and I are going to this great party later tonight, would you like to come. That is seeing as your date has stood you up and everything.” The woman flashed her a charming smile and if Padma had been less content with her situation than she currently was, she would probably at least have been tempted, as it was, that was not the case. 

“No, thank you. I’m going to a party with my girlfriend.”

The woman’s face fell, she’d probably never been rejected before. She seemed to be the kind of person who got whatever they wanted. Luckily, so did Padma’s girlfriend and for some reason, the only thing that Millie wanted was her. The woman refused to leave, unwilling to concede defeat, turning that could otherwise have been considered as flattering into something plain annoying.

“No, really, you don’t have to make up a girlfriend. I promise you it’ll be fun.” The woman reached for Padma’s knee and patted it.

“What the fuck?” Padma said, fuming. “Do I have to spell it out for you? Piss off already!” People trying to get between her and Millie still made her furious.

 

“Listen you little…” Padma ignored her and instead fixed her eyes on the door where she saw Millie entering the coffee shop.

Padma’s heart still beat faster every time she saw her, today was no exception. When Millie walked into the coffee shop, she couldn’t help the goofy smile that spread over her features. Millie brushed some snow off her shoulders and stomped her boots before looking around, trying to find Padma.

Padma waved, getting up and still ignoring the ranting woman beside her. Millie’s smile was brilliant as she saw her and it took less than a minute for her to cross the entire length of the coffee shop and reach Padma’s table. She wrapped Padma in a warm embrace, smelling of cinnamon and mulled wine and something decidedly Millie. She tasted of mulled wine and cinnamon too and Padma smiled against Millie’s lips. When she looked up, the woman who had annoyed her so was gone.

“I’m sorry I’m late.” Millie whispered, still pressing Padma close.

“What happened? I was about to order a second _Towanda_ without you.” Padma replied.

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“Oh, you know I would!” Padma grinned. “And then I’d eat it and kiss you still tasting of it, refusing to let you order one for yourself until I couldn’t taste it on my tongue anymore. You of all people should know what a sensitive tongue I have.”

Millie smacked Padma’s backside slightly and despite her earlier bravado, Padma blushed bright red. Millie knew exactly that Padma didn’t like that kind of behaviour, at least not in public, which is probably why she did it.

“Millie!” She hissed, taking hold of her arm before she could smack her backside again. Millie only grinned in response then leaned in to whisper in her ear.

“That’s for ordering the first one without me.” Millie’s chuckle was warm and her breath hitting Padma’s skin made her shiver. She began regretting meeting in such a public setting, because if they’d been at home this would have led to so much more.

~.o.O.0.O.o.~

Padma hated Christmas parties; all this forced joviality was making her sick. Why did one have to be happy around Christmas? She never understood that. Getting presents and time off from school to study was sort of nice, but all the other stuff around it, the rushing to decorate, buy presents and most all the being jolly part completely eluded her. And she was smart enough to know there was nothing wrong with her, she might be what people called reserved, but she did know what joy felt like. What all the excitement was about and why she should be scared of or happy about an elderly morbidly obese man in a red coat had made no sense to her, even as a child when one was supposed to believe in such things.

Padma stared down into her half-empty cup of mulled wine. A certain radish-earring wearing girl from her dorm would probably call it half-full, even if that meant it was half-full of Nargles. Padma had no idea why she was even here, at the annual inter house Christmas Party. The last place in the world to find peace and quiet was any Christmas Party, but any such party held at Hogwarts was ten times worse, especially since everyone in the room was old enough to drink and the standards of conversation were falling by the minute. She was ready to give up and go back to her dormitory when someone pinched her in the bottom. Padma would have slapped him but the boy laughed so hard that he fell over, toppling a Christmas tree in the process. She couldn’t help a private smile when the fairy lights began winding around him, tying him up more tightly than a long distance parcel.

Still, it was time to leave, she decided. Padma deposited her half-empty cup on a nearby table and headed for the door and that’s when she saw her. Millie, dressed in Muggle men’s evening wear. They hadn’t talked, not even once since that incident last year and still Padma felt herself trembling at the sight of the girl in front of her. Millie obviously hadn’t seen her. Padma watched her stride into the room as if she owned the place and to Padma she did. Millie inclined her head to the people she knew, lifting off her top hat on occasion and winking if the recipient of such attention blushed.

The Muggle suit must have been tailor made or been adjusted by magic, because it fit her to perfection. Millie was wearing a white waistcoat, a black dress coat with long tails that reached down to her knees and a white bow-tie. Her hair was slicked back and the entire ensemble was finished with a brilliant black top hat. Padma was frozen in place, lucky for her, she had stopped somewhere away from the bright light of the floating candles and couldn’t be seen easily. If anyone had been close enough they would have seen her hands shake as they involuntary moved up to her lips.

Millie was talking to that girl again, Bridget. Oh, how Padma had cursed her existence. But to her surprise, the conversation was short and there was none of the warmth she had seen in Millie’s features whenever she usually talked to Bridget. Bridget was pouting and seeing that almost drove Padma up the wall, because she knew how that pout affected Millie. Millie however just leaned in putting one hand to Bridget’s chest and Padma thought she could see her mouthing a “grow up”, before turning away and continuing across the room.

Padma realised that Millie was heading straight towards her. Millie couldn’t have seen her; she knew she was standing too far to the side and in the shadow for that to happen. Millie was coming ever closer and Padma didn’t know what to do. She felt like she should hide away, being with Millie terrified her more than anything else ever had. She had no control over herself when it came to Millie and maybe that was the scariest thing about it, but then, that one time she’d been with her had been liberating. Padma’s eyes had been opened to the fact of why some things had never worked out for her. Afterwards she hadn’t been able to put Millie out of her mind. Millie was almost upon her and she would walk past her without a single word. Padma’s heart hurt her, it beat so fast. The thought alone of letting Millie walk past her again made her ache in a way she had become all too familiar with.

And when it was almost too late, the small part of her, that was like her sister perked up. Without any conscious thought, she moved forward, stepping into Millie’s way and resting her hand upon her arm. Millie just looked at her, apparently considering it Padma’s turn to initiate anything further. It took Padma an embarrassingly long time to find her voice and when she did, it was trembling, much like her entire body.

“Dance with me, please,” was all Padma managed before falling silent. Where had that come from? She didn’t even know how to dance.

Padma didn’t dare meet Millie’s eyes. At least Millie wasn’t pulling away from her, Padma reasoned. Eventually Millie’s hand covered hers on her arm and for a moment Padma was scared that it was just to pry her trembling fingers off of her, but Millie squeezed her hand reassuringly and led her onto the dance floor. 

At first they just stood there, Padma not knowing what to do and becoming increasingly aware of people watching her. She wanted to flee, to run from what scared her so much, but her feet refused to move. Millie eventually took pity on her, and pulled her slowly closer. Padma couldn’t stop staring at her own feet, but let Millie take her hands and place them on her hips, covering them with her own hands. Padma was hypnotised by the swaying motion of Millie’s hips. She wasn’t surprised when Millie’s hands eventually moved to her hips and showed her how to move them in rhythm with her own.

“See, like this. It’s not so scary at all, is it?” Millie asked.

“N-no.” Padma forced out, still unable to look up.

“Then let me show you something else. It’s nice, I promise.” Padma could hear the smile in Millie’s voice and that gave her courage. She looked up as Millie pulled Padma’s arms up and placed them on her shoulders, while wrapping her own hands around Padma’s middle and pulling her closer. Padma’s face was cradled into Millie’s neck and she inhaled her unique scent. Things felt both more tense and relaxed at the same time, Padma closed her eyes, ignoring everything around them letting the music wash over her and revelling in the feeling of Millie’s arms surrounding her.

Millie’s hair tickled her face and Padma loved everything about it. She loved being held, loved Millie taking charge and guiding her every move. She wasn’t prepared when Millie let go of her and spun her around, but just like that she was returned into Millie’s embrace only now her back was pressed against Millie’s front. Padma could feel Millie’s heart beating through her chest--she was as excited as Padma--and that finally stopped her feeling scared. Padma leaned into Millie and felt her breath catch in her throat when Millie nuzzled that soft space just below her ear. A shudder ran through her and she shakily exhaled, not daring to move more for fear Millie would stop her delightful ministrations. Her eyes fluttered shut as she lost herself in the sensation.

The first cat calls brought her out of her daze and she tried to disentangle herself from Millie’s embrace, her face hot with embarrassment. Millie wouldn’t let go and it took her a while to realise that the cat calls were due to some girl who had taken off her bra now dancing on a table. This party was quickly descending into something in which Padma wanted no part and this time when she tried to move away, Millie let her.

“I think we should go,” Millie said and Padma couldn’t agree more. Her heart fluttered in her chest like an excited bird and she allowed Millie to lead her from the room.

Outside the air was much fresher and cooler. Padma could still hear the far-off beat of the music and unresistingly let herself be pulled into a dark alcove. Reminiscent of the first time Millie had kissed her, it wasn’t long before Padma’s back connected with cold stone. Her arms hung limp by her side, and her hands rested against the rough wall. Millie however didn’t touch her. She moved close enough for them to be almost nose to nose and then rested her elbows against the wall. Just waiting and looking at Padma, who could feel her heart speeding up under such scrutiny. She was overwhelmed by the need to move forward, to be as close to Millie as possible, but she couldn’t move.

“Patil, what do you want me to do?” Millie asked, her voice dark and full of promise.

Padma couldn’t stand it, any of it.

“I… I want you to call me Padma.”

Millie chuckled darkly. “I think I can do that. Is there anything else I can do for you, Padma?”

Padma couldn’t speak, she tilted her head slightly, brushing her lips against Millie’s. When she wasn’t denied, Padma pressed her lips more firmly against Millie’s and deepened the kiss. They weren’t touching anywhere but at the lips and still her entire body was infused with a heat so strong that Padma feared she might burst into flames.

~.o.O.0.O.o.~

“So, what kept you?”

Millie sat down beside Padma; her eyes alight with mirth, and began to tell her of what had happened. Padma loved it when Millie’s face reflected her emotions like that.

“So, I ran into Pansy at Borgin and Burkes. I know what you are going to say, Padma, but you didn’t receive that cursed Quick Quotes Quill for Christmas like I did, not even incinerating worked and, to be honest, I was growing tired of it taking notes every time we slept together.”

Padma’s hand went straight to her mouth. She hadn’t known this, all she knew was that Millie had received a Quick Quotes Quill that refused to take any notes when spoken to. She flushed again.

“So, that time I allowed you to use my school tie…” her voice drifted off. This really was no conversation for a public place.

“Yes. That one, too. It took me all week to figure out where that incessant scratching noise came from. I thought I was going bonkers!” Millie quickly squeezed Padma’s fingers and she was grateful for the reassurance. “As I was saying, I ran into Pansy in the shop. I think she was trying to buy something to take revenge on some guy. I’ll never get why she needs to make every relationship end with a bang, especially since her latest conquest was already on her arm, carrying her shopping. She invited us to her New Year’s Eve Bash, but I said we already had other plans. Unless you want to go?”

Padma shook her head.

“She told me she’d just had to move into a new flat because her ex had kicked her out after finding out about her current lover. Apparently he incinerated all of her belongings and now all she has left is an empty apartment, a mattress, that boy toy of hers and a filthy temper. And in true Pansy-tradition she has decided to celebrate this fact by an extensive shopping spree followed by inebriation. I promised to look in on her next week to help with the decorating. I said we’d both help. I hope that’s okay.”

“Sure.” Padma nodded this time, smiling as she remembered one of those post-split-up parties Pansy had thrown. They were usually incredibly bizarre but lots of fun. And Pansy could afford it, too. Her first husband had cheated on her and even though she had vanished his bollocks in revenge, he had been forced by the court to leave her a sizeable divorce settlement.

“What?” Millie was grinning at her shrewdly.

“Do you remember our first Christmas together?” 

Padma couldn’t help but laugh at this, oh did she ever! They had just moved in together. Or rather, they had planned to move in together after Christmas, but both of them had to vacate their flats earlier than expected, which is how they ended up with nowhere to go on Christmas Eve, their flat bare but for a single Christmas tree and a sofa. They had ordered the first take-out that would deliver on Christmas Eve and curled up on the sofa together, watching the tree and plotting what to do about the flat the next day. Despite the mess of having to move on Christmas Eve, it was her favourite Christmas to this day.

“Yes, God! Sometimes, I think I can still feel the armrest of the sofa digging into my back!”

“Well, I don’t remember you complaining about it at the time…” Millie winked at her.

Padma was overcome just with how much she cared for her girlfriend. She impulsively leant over and took Millie’s hand.

“Do you ever wonder how we ended up like this?” Padma asked.

“No. I don’t wonder. I know.”

~.o.O.0.O.o.~

Padma was cold despite the roaring fire. She was staring at the cheerful lights of their Christmas tree, wrapped in their favourite blanket and trying not to cry. Padma understood why she had had to leave; family first, or so the saying went and still it hurt more than she was willing to admit. Christmas might be the time for family, but Millie had become hers and it was tearing her up inside to be separated from her on this night.

At first Padma had thought she would be able to bear it, but as the time drew nearer and she had to watch Millie pack her things and shrink them, her heart had become heavy. Padma had become very quiet, like she used to be, before she met Millie. In the end she’d left the flat they both shared under the pretence of having to run some last minute errands, when in reality, Padma just couldn’t bear to watch her leave.

Millie had held her close, telling her to soldier up. She said she would be back in a few days and that they’d have a proper Christmas together then. Padma had nodded and smiled, but she knew it hadn’t reached her eyes. How could she be expected to be happy at the prospect of having to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day by herself?

The fairy lights swam in front of her eyes. She was no longer able to blink back the tears. Everything was ruined without Millie. Padma had promised herself she wouldn’t cry, she would understand and be reasonable. She had decided to sit down by the tree, read a bit and then get an early night. But it had all gone to hell, when she’d seen the present she’d bought for Millie, still wrapped under the tree, waiting for her to come home and claim it.

They were supposed to meet up with friends during Christmas day. One of them had rented time in an ice rink for them and before Padma had found out that she was going by herself, she had actually looked forward to it. Millie didn’t know how to ice skate and Padma had already envisioned what it would be like to teach her. While both of them still had family, to Padma them being together had become such a big part of her life that she had begun to think of herself and Millie as their own small family. Where Millie was, was her home and there she would always be, with the woman who held her heart so fast, yet tenderly.

Her entire being ached with being parted from Millie. It was stupid, really, but she couldn’t help herself; couldn’t help feeling this way as she couldn’t help her heart beating and her lungs drawing breath. The sadness had begun pervading her the minute the door had closed on Millie. Padma hadn’t been able to bear watching her walk down the small path in front of their home; couldn’t bear watching her growing ever smaller as she walked down the street through the bitter wind, her feet probably crunching with every step for all the snow and salt on the streets.

Padma cried herself to sleep that night, wrapped tightly in the blanket that smelled like Millie. She had wrapped her arms around herself, shaking and sobbing. Her eyes were puffy and her cheeks burnt hot, reddened from the salt in her tears. Padma knew she didn’t make a pretty picture and she couldn’t have cared less. She didn’t remember how long she had lain awake, before exhaustion finally claimed her.

She woke a few times during the night but couldn’t make herself get up and go upstairs to sleep in a cold and empty bed. When the fire died down, she began to shiver and slept even more fitfully than before, her dreams filled with images of Millie leaving her behind.

When soft hands brushed hair off her forehead and warm lips pressed a kiss there, Padma didn’t even know whether she was still dreaming or not. She didn’t dare open her eyes, lest reality intruded on this tiny perfect moment that was all hers. The hands came back and stroked and cradled her face in an all too familiar manner. Padma pressed her cheek into the palm of one and reached out to stroke the back of the other with her own.

“Hey.”

Padma couldn’t bear it anymore; she opened her eyes and was glad to see that she wasn’t still dreaming. Millie was kneeling beside the sofa on the thick carpet and looking at her. She was still dressed in a heavy travelling cloak and it looked as if she’d just walked straight here from the door. Padma turned her face, and catching it between her lips and hand, pressed a kiss into the palm of Millie’s hand. What felt like a million questions, but what she knew to be maybe four or five, chased each other around inside her head and she couldn’t quite make up her mind as to which one to ask first.

Why was Millie here? Had something happened? Why had she come back?

“You silly woman,” Millie said fondly, pressing another kiss to Padma’s forehead. “Why didn’t you go to bed?”

“It didn’t feel right.” Padma mumbled, feeling groggy from lack of sleep. “I didn’t want to…” _sleep alone_ , she wanted to say, but couldn’t get the words out. With most things, Padma was incredibly rational, she always listened to her brain, not her heart, because the heart wasn’t smart, it just wanted and desired and usually got her into trouble. When it came to Millie, her brain was no help at all. Where Millie was concerned she was all heart and soul, she was all longing and wanting and desire and in recent years, love. Rationalising what Padma felt for her had never worked, not even when she’d first become aware of her. The intensity of her feelings made her shy still. Padma never had trouble putting her thoughts into words, never. But speaking of her feelings towards Millie always made her feel vulnerable and small and most of the time she was unable to finish her sentences. Luckily Millie seemed to have an extra sense, because she understood Padma anyway.

Millie stood up in one smooth motion and then gathered Padma up in her arms, blanket and all. Padma wrapped her arms around Millie’s neck, like a damsel in distress would have and didn’t mind one bit. She nuzzled her face into Millie’s neck and was content to remain just where she was, feeling utterly cherished and safe. Millie kissed the crown of her head and then carefully carried her up to their bedroom. Padma was lowered down with a tenderness that she knew was all for her. Millie shrugged out of her coat and carelessly let it drop to the floor, toeing of her boots while never breaking eye-contact. She advanced on Padma like a tigress, making her feel both like prey and treasure. Padma shivered in anticipation. She was not to be disappointed.

*****************

When finally they lay beside each other, staring up at the ceiling, feeling sated and happy, Padma felt it was alright to ask the questions, she’d been mulling over earlier. She reached for Millie, taking her hand and bringing it up for a kiss before intertwining their fingers and resting their hands on her chest.

“Why are you back so early?” she asked, desperately needing to know.

Millie turned her face towards her and when Padma still stared at the ceiling, she squeezed her hand once and began to speak.

“Look at me, please.”

Padma couldn’t help but obey. She felt too open, too raw; her emotions too close to the surface after their earlier activities and still too hurt, because Millie hat left her at all. Facing her was the last thing Padma wanted to do. Millie began stroking the back of her hand while speaking, obviously not even aware she was doing it.

“Listen, I’m sorry.” Millie said, obviously sensing the question Padma had been desperately trying not to ask, because it would make her seem like a jealous, insecure fool. “I knew I shouldn’t have left the minute that door closed behind me. Christmas is about family and sticking together.” Padma’s felt her face close up to Millie and started tugging at her hand, trying to get Millie to let go. “No, Padma, you aren’t listening to me. My point is, you are my family, too. I spent the entire night lying awake, trying to figure out what had made leaving seem like a good idea and I couldn’t come up with a single reason as to why I wasn’t with you. When I realised that, I packed my things, left a note for my aunt and came straight here.” 

Padma took a shuddering breath when she heard those words.

“I guess what I’m saying is that I want to be with you, want to share my life with you, every day.”

Padma threw herself at Millie then, kissing her possessively. Her mind filled by a single word, which seemed to repeat itself over and over again. And she thought it with a fierce kind of joy. _Mine!_

Millie laughed, pulling her close and gently stroking her lower back.

Pressing kisses all over Millie’s face, throat and neck, Padma’s words came out slightly mangled. “Merlin, I’ve waited forever for you to say that!”

Millie pinched Padma in her backside, making her screech in mock outrage. She retaliated by tickling Millie until she begged for mercy. Millie suddenly became serious again, she cradled Padma’s face in her hands, holding Padma’s gaze with her own. “I really mean what I said, you know that, right?”

“Yes.” Padma whispered, “I feel the same way.”

Millie flipped them over so they were lying side by side again, facing each other, entangling her legs with Padma’s and wrapping an arm around her middle, caressing her skin.

“I’m glad.” She continued stroking Padma’s hip. “It’s still early; do you think we could have a lie-in and meet your friends a bit later? I know you’ve been looking forward to teaching me how to ice skate.”

“All right,” Padma replied. She had got the best Christmas present ever. Not many people were that lucky, she knew. She smiled contently, before letting her eyes drift shut.

“Oh and Millie?”

“Yes.”

“Happy Christmas!”

~.o.O.0.O.o.~

They are the last patrons to be ushered out of the coffee shop. It’s cold outside and their breath rise into the starlit night sky in small white clouds. Millie tugs Padma’s scarf around her neck, making sure her skin is covered and then hoisting her in for a tender kiss, while behind them the lit sign proclaiming “Top of the Muffin” flickers once and then gets turned off.

There’s hardly anyone around at this time. Most people are already at parties or at home with their family and friends. Padma shrinks their shopping bags and stuffs them in the pockets of her coat, she’s clumsy because of her mittens and cursing herself inwardly, but when she looks up and sees the fond look on Millie’s face, she doesn’t mind all that much anymore.

Millie reaches for her and intertwines their hands. Their feet make crunching noises with every step and even though most of the snow has already turned into slush, it doesn’t seem to reduce the beauty of the moment.

They can hear children laugh and then the sound of firecrackers going off in the distance. The entire street is suddenly lit as a skyrocket quickly ascends and then burst into glittering stars, showering them in golden sparks. A plume of white smoke is all that is left afterwards and Padma cannot keep her eyes off it, as it slowly dissipates. She tightens her hold on Millie’s hand. She doesn’t know what the future holds, doesn’t know whether love will stay with her, but for now she has Millie and if tonight goes well, she’ll have her forever.

~.o.O.0.O.o.~

They lay naked beside each other, panting and bodies still glistening with sweat. This was not the first time they had been together. They were both exhausted, from weeks of fear of hiding from the Carrows, from persecution. The weight of the inevitable battle in front of them brought them to their knees some days. They had been forced to grow up too fast and it had become more and more difficult to steal these small moments away from everything, when it was just the two of them.

They hadn’t talked about the war, about where their loyalties lay and it was beginning to eat Padma up inside that she didn’t know, could never be sure. This thing they had was still new to her, it seemed so fragile when they were apart and she was terrified of breaking it by asking. At the same time she felt bad for not trusting Millie, for not being able to believe in her. There was so much Padma still didn’t know about her and it almost drove her crazy. Despite all her perceptibility, Padma sometimes needed things spelled out for her. What she feels was always so confusing, so intense, it defied rational thought. 

She treasured these moments of clarity, just after everything reached its peak and she was slowly carried back to reality. The need to feel was still strong, but in these moments of blissful fatigue rational thought intruded, not like the dear friend it once was, but the enemy that had just broken down the gates.

She needed to ask her, needed to do it now. Padma had to make sure that everything was fine and would be even after the war. But all that she managed was not even a sound but a single shaky breath, exhaled too slowly to even bring relief. If only words weren’t such a necessity, if only she could communicate without having to utter them.

Talking had become harder with every passing day, fear of what was to come wouldn’t leave her alone and as much as could be communicated by touch and looks, it wasn’t enough. Was Millie even thinking about these things, she wondered. Or was this just something to pass the time, while the bombs fell, only to return out into the world afterwards, when the skies had cleared. Would Millie go and find someone else, the moment she had better choices?

Padma couldn’t bear it anymore; she turned her face away, feeling herself tense up. She should leave. She swung her legs out of bed, hissing slightly as her feet hit the cold stone floor of the dungeons. Padma began to shiver and it spread from her thighs to her stomach. Even wrapping her arms around her didn’t seem to help like it used to. She felt vulnerable in Millie’s gaze; which she could feel boring into her back. Leaving would be the better choice. It wouldn’t do to break down and cry now, nobody wanted to see that, least of all Millie. Padma still didn’t know why she was even still with her, when there were so many more attractive options out there.

She could hear the rustle of the bed sheets as Millie shifted behind her. The mattress dipped under her weight as she climbed over to Padma, kneeling behind her and wrapping her strong arms around her waist. Padma could feel her naked breasts press into her back and still couldn’t make herself relax.

“Hey, are you leaving? What’s wrong?” Millie sounded genuinely concerned.

“I don’t know.” _Do you want me to_? Padma wanted to ask, one sentence too many she would never be able to make herself say out loud.

“Come back to bed so we can talk about it.”

Padma nodded mutely, allowing Millie to pull her back into bed, covering her shivering frame with her own much sturdier body. Padma felt safe and protected in Millie’s embrace. She reached up to gently hold onto Millie’s wrist, while Millie was caressing her face. It was impossible not to look into her eyes. Padma felt exposed to her soul.

“So tell me, what’s wrong? Is it because of what’s to come?”

It took Padma a long time to find her voice.

“Yes and no. I think we both know which side is going to win this war. He has always come through for us in the end. I don’t think You-Know-Who can beat him. I have to believe it, because a world in which he can win is not a world I want to live in.” And there it was, she’d finally said it out loud. Would now be the moment that Millie turned on her?

Millie was quiet for a long time, longer than Padma was comfortable with; even Millie’s caressing of her hair had stopped. Padma wanted to be anywhere but where she was, she was trapped under Millie’s weight even though it was mostly resting on her own elbows and not Padma herself. She wanted to fight her way out from underneath her and yet she couldn’t even move. She was paralyzed, trapped in Millie’s intense gaze, unable to even so much as draw breath. Her hand against Millie’s grew limp and when it slipped away, it finally spurred Millie into action. She cradled Padma’s face in her big hands, stroking her cheeks and leaning down once to kiss her, before speaking.

“That’s not a world I want to live in either.” Padma was so relieved by those words that she couldn’t reply for a moment and when she did it was entirely non-verbally. Her hands were back on Millie, running all over her back and hips and then pressing her so close Padma was sure she could hear her rib cage creak. She buried her face in Millie’s hair, willing herself not to cry.

“I…” she never managed to finish that sentence, because soft lips were pressed firmly against hers. When she stopped struggling and melted into the kiss, Millie pulled back, going back to stroking Padma’s face and throat.

“You silly creature! Of course I don’t want him to win! Why didn’t you just ask me?”

Padma couldn’t even make herself answer that question.

“Was it one of those things, where you care too much and can’t find the right words, so you don’t say anything at all?”

Padma was stunned. How had Millie known? She could only nod.

“I thought so. I tried to show you through my actions how much I care for you but I figured out that wasn’t enough anymore. Do you trust me now? Trust me enough to tell me how you feel?”

She took a deep breath to calm herself; she couldn’t look at Millie and say this without making it feel like some kind of betrayal.

“You have to leave. They’ll find you and hunt you down. It’s not safe!”

“And I suppose it’s safe for you to stay? So taking a few defence classes turned you into some kind of super soldier?” Millie replied angrily. “Look at me, Padma. Is that what you think, that I can’t take care of myself? I just told you that I cared about you, that I wanted to be with you and now you want me to leave? Where’s the logic in that?”

Millie tried to pull away, but this time it was Padma who held her fast.

“No, listen, that’s not what I meant at all.” If only she could find the right words! “If our side wins, they’ll think you were involved somehow and…and I couldn’t bear it if they tried to lock you away.”

Millie pondered on this some more and took her time before replying.

“Why can’t I fight with you, then?”

“They’ll think that you are a spy or something. All the Slytherins are leaving Millie, if you stay behind, it won’t be safe for you.”

“Come with me, then.”

“You know I can’t. I have to stay here. We will win and I need to be here to make that happen. I can’t leave and worry about everyone else and I can’t stay and fight without knowing you are safe. Please, Millie, stay safe, for me.”

“How can your flesh be so soft, yet your mind be so unyielding?” Millie’s voice sounded both resigned and curious at the same time. Padma knew Millie would leave like she had asked and it broke her heart.

“Don’t be reckless, Padma. Promise me you’ll be careful?”

“I will.”

“And promise me something else?”

“Anything.”

“Promise me you’ll look me up, when the war is over, all right? If that hasn’t been clear by now, I want you with me. There is no one I want more.”

***********

Padma’s heart was heavy as she watched Millie leave with the others. It had been the right choice, hadn’t it? Millie turned around once more, finding Padma’s eyes and motioning to her right robe pocket. They had said their quiet farewells earlier, far away from everyone else, they had hugged and kissed and Padma had tried and failed not to cry.

When they had left and everyone began to bustle around once more to finish the last of the preparations, Padma snuck away. She needed some fresh air. When she reached one of the smaller courtyards, she sat down on a bench and reached into her pocket. There was a small folded piece of parchment inside. She unfolded it carefully, spreading and flattening it softly against her thigh. Padma took a deep, calming breath and began to read.

>   
> 
> 
> _Dear Padma,_  
> 

>   
> 
> 
> _Farewells are always such hardship. I can never find the right words when the moment finally comes. I know you are trying to be strong and I know you are. You are a survivor, Padma, I know it and if making me leave helps you to get through this unscathed, who am I to stop you? Maybe I’m being selfish in wanting you to get through this, because it would mean I could have you all to myself once more. I want to know what it’s like to be with you when we aren’t scared that tonight might be the last night we can be together. I want to say “I love you” right out loud and not just think it, worrying that you won’t be able to say it back._  
> 

>   
> 
> 
> _I’ll wait for you, Padma, every day. I’ll wait until I can hold you in my arms again. I shall not rest easy until I know you to be safe. So please, don’t be a hero, there’s stupid boys with terrible hair and ridiculous glasses to do that. You are my heroine and I desperately hope that’s enough for you._  
> 

>   
> 
> 
> _Yours, always,_  
> 

>   
> 
> 
> _Millicent_  
> 

~ fin ~


End file.
